I had an epiphany while sitting on the toilet today. Interestingly enough, this is where a lot of profound thoughts are discovered.
I asked myself, "What happened to ME?" I don't feel like myself and I don't think I am acting like myself. Somewhere, lost in self-improvement, personal responsibility, nice line-ups, the ebbs and flows of adjusting to Philadelphia, and the good things happening in my life, I forgot who I am.
I have evolved, but this is not a feeling of adjusting to changes in my life. When I look in the mirror each morning, I see a stranger. I have subconsciously created these thick walls around me, keeping out people and locking me in. When I interact with people, I feel like the neighbor on home improvement—offering small conversations and quick laugh, but not allowing anyone to see me.
I didn't plan this, or maybe I did.
I need a do-over. That's the epiphany.
Tonight, I plan to sit down and write a list of all the things I don't like about myself. I plan to make a list of all of the things I do like about myself. Somewhere in between that I want to get on the right track. I want to look in the mirror and see Cherina.
I have been lying on the side of the road, waiting for someone to pick me up, but that's not going to happen; I have to be my own superhero. I have to recreate what my life should be, because I have been so focused on the past that I cannot get a clear handle on the future.
Thank god for toilets…and epiphanies.