This Is All We Know

Chris Henry's death upset a lot of people today. I have read several facebook statuses of disappointment and disbelief. It's sad. I wasn't familiar with Chris Henry, but I empathize with his friends, family and fans.

Henry's death forced me to think about some things. We are always sad when we lose people, whether from this physical life or out of our immediate space. We mourn the memories and the time we've shared with that person, and it hurts us that there will be no other opportunities to create special moments. These kinds of feelings always reminds me of how inter-connected we are, that although some of us boast in our differences of each other, we are really one in the same. It also forces me to take a closer look at myself. It forces me to appreciate the things that I have, and not concern myself with the things that I don't.

We take life for granted, most of us do. A lot of us think we appreciate our lives simply because we are alive, but that can't be any farther from the truth. We entertain too often those things that are toxic and harmful to our bodies and our spirits. We are openly and pridefully unkind to ourselves and each other. We know we want happiness, and we know we want to smile and laugh, but we create situations and call forth circumstances which don't bring those things into fruition. It's a nice idea to want to live a long time. A lot of us even expect that we will live a long time, while we skip recklessly through our lives.

For all we know, this is it. It has never been advantageous to harbor anger towards another person. I know, because I am the queen of the grudge. Grudges have only caused me stress and frowns, two things which I don't like. We are all here on this planet experiencing life, and we all have choices about how we are going to navigate our lives. A lot of us don't know what happiness feels like, because we are so used to, and so addicted to unhappiness. We can be obsessed with the very things we say we don't want.

I am going into the new year with a new attitude about my life. Personally, I have been neglecting my mind, body AND my soul. It has been quite a transitional year for me, and all of those challenges and situations needed to take place in order for me to realize that I have to take care of myself first and foremost. If I love life, which I do, I have to learn to break away from the strongholds I have programmed in my head, which I have been feasting on for years. Life is so dynamic and so beautiful and fun. There is no template or blue print for how you live your life, just live it, and love it—explore it for however long you have it.

Chris Henry dying, is sad, and so were the lives of so many other people who have transitioned this year, young and old. Don't let his death discourage you. Celebrate his life, and then celebrate your own life, now, whether the skies are gray or blue, stop taking your life for granted—live.

Southern Comfort

The trees in Tennessee are much greener in June than they are up north.
The wind moves a lot slower through the accents
and irregular diction of the southern black men I know.
I used to document that, in letters,
to my parents,
to justify my addiction to their absence, and the colder alternative.

I did not want to enjoy Memphis on a Wednesday night.
The difference between BB King and how snow flakes feel against my skin
is small, but distinct. And it at least makes me appreciate the blues a little better—
even if it is the kind of blues absent guitar strings and crowded clubs.
Lucille does sound sweet when she crashes herself against the night time walls of Beale St.
She reminds me, there is still a pulse in my appreciation for Tennessee summer nights.

Although my roots are painted profoundly from the endings of Tennessee
to the beginnings of Mississippi State lines,
I am easily swooned by busy traffic lights and the congested thoughts and feet
Of hurried northern folk who are constantly catching their breath.
The chaos of subway trains
and screaming graffiti blurred by the dash of schedules to keep
keeps me addicted to the motions and emotions of northern sunrises.

Your home is your feet.
So when I dance along trolley tracks in Memphis
And reminisce over jerk chicken and poetry nights at Precious Cargo,
Or the way brand new love smelled on clear starry nights,
My addiction to noise disappears.
And the south becomes a sweet kind of silence that I thirst.
I don’t pour this southern comfort into a glass anymore.
I take it mixed, not stirred and sometimes on the rocks, directly into my veins.

C.L. Jones

Closure

Seven years ago, I literally played the notes off of this song. And seven years later...

With intent.

beautiful ones hide
in the presence of glass homes.
hiding rocks in hands.

C.L. Jones

Bad Habits Do Die Hard

As a kid, I used to get antagonized a lot. I used to get bullied. I allowed it, not because I was scared, but because I didn't want to be who those people were to me. It caused me a lot of grief and murdered my esteem. Even as a young adult I allowed for a certain degree of bullying in my life.

As I am getting older and really just coming into myself, I accept my potential and I don't allow anyone to bully me. I don't care who you are, what kind of car you drive or what kind of dog you own, I'm not on it. I go toe to toe, head to head with people who misrepresent me, or who I generally feel is trying to get at me in a negative way.

Bad habits do die hard.

I have a habit, a bad habit of not letting things go. Although it is true that no one can be expected to be rational all the time, I really try and a lot of times I fail, especially when we are talking about matters of the heart. When I am mad or hurt, I rarely consider the feelings of others right away, and sometimes, not at all. It leads to an exaggeration of facts in some cases, and me wanting to be recognized for my personal pain.

Going forward, I am going to try and let things go. When people hurt us, we want them to know how we feel, and if we could, allow them to share our pain. When we hurt other people we alienate what we know about how it feels to be hurt. When my first girlfriend dumped me on Christmas, and I found out she was dating someone else while I was in Cleveland, I was devastated. It took me a year to really be ok with what happened. It was the worst kind of heart break for me.

Although my intention is to never hurt anyone, I know that the decisions I make often do hurt others. I accept that there is nothing I can do about it, and although I don't owe anyone any apologies, I have to let things go. I have to let people be mad at me, be hurt by me, without calling them out and rubbing it in their face. I am learning that you may not deserve the names, or accusations that are placed before you at times, but sometimes the universe calls for us to be more understanding toward one another, and that's what I plan on doing.

Celebrating Mountains

Life changes, even if you are prepared for it or not. Our routines are comfortable and familiar, and most of us are reluctant to gamble the familiar with the unknown. We don’t necessarily care what’s behind door number two, because although door number one causes us some heart ache and frustration, we at least know what we are getting.

I’m scared to death of taking risks. I’m practical, and I am adamant about crossing t’s and dotting i’s. I’ve always been reluctant to make a move for myself because of the way people may view my decisions, or how my decisions will affect other people. I believe most of us are compassionate by nature, so this is not abnormal at all. I am always challenged by what makes good logical sense verses what feels right. I read somewhere recently, that your feelings are your real truth, and that sometimes our heads can poison the truth with what we regard as common sense and judgment. We often judge ourselves too harshly, and we suppress how we really feel for the sake of nobility or to spare hurt feelings. A friend of mine told me some months ago, that people are going to be hurt regardless, and someone becoming hurt over a decision you have made is not the same as hurting someone intentionally.

We don’t have to be martyrs; we don’t have to lay down our own lives to save others from sorrow or pain. I do believe we have the responsibility to try to protect the hearts of those we love by being honest and void of malice and irresponsible recklessness.

I am slowly coming to terms with life not being pre-destined. Some people have decided they will never be this or always have that. I’m stepping away from that. What I do want, I will have. My problem has always been taking something or someone so far into the future (in my head), that I am often unable to enjoy the moment. I look for obstacles, thus creating obstacles. I look for the other shoe to drop in every good moment in my life, because it is as if I almost believe I do not deserve the good things that come my way. How tragic is that?

I am challenging myself going forward to not be pulled by the familiarity of disappointment and despair. My life is great. I have wise friends and loved ones who look out for me and support me. I am accepting the greatness of who I am with humility and confidence. Life is not hard, at least it doesn’t have to be.