There are four people who take care of me.
I don’t talk to them every day, and if I’m lucky I get to see them at least once a year. My transition these past twelve months has made me reconsider needs verses wants.
I’ve said in the past, we shouldn’t need people, we should want them. My statements were birthed from the spiritual concept of non-attachment, or at least what I (mis)understood it to be. And unfortunately, I have always revisited this concept most when I am involved romantically with a woman.
I’m always on the search to find spiritual enlightenment and fulfillment. My journey has been profound, filled with obstacles, transitions, understanding, and a blooming appreciation for every aspect of our universe. I know, it sounds kind of corny and elaborate, but that’s real for me right now.
I am very strong and intelligent, but at the end of the day, I need people. I need someone to look after me and make sure I’m OK. For years I have been afraid to say that and even more afraid to reach out to people. Every act of fighting the desire to need someone has produced broken relationships and sometimes momentary insanity.
It’s easy to become a proud warrior, throwing yourself into unnecessary battles and experiencing unnecessary pain. But most of us are proud of our battle scars—I am. If someone is strangling us, our body fights, even when we don’t want to. Fighting just seems natural sometimes.
I’m a big fighter. I fight for love and I fight against it. I for help and I fight against it. I fight for understanding and I fight against it. I fight to be strong and I just end up exhausted and weary. I’ve been weary for almost 20 years, and during that time I have been hiding (in a glass jar) my fears and pretending.
Believing you can handle everything alone and setting out to do so doesn’t make you strong. It can make you weak, tired and lonely. It can cultivate unrealistic expectations of yourself that aren’t rewarding even if you reach them.
I need people. I need someone to look after me and make sure I’m OK—really OK. I don’t need anyone to fix things or tell me what I should be doing, but I do need someone to make sure I’M OK. And I have four people who do; I need them.
I suspect if god wanted us to be these independent beings, there would be billions of planets, not just eight (or whatever the final count is now). We live in a universe with billions of beings, so let’s work to debunk the old saying, “I came into this world alone, and I’m going to leave alone”, because it’s not true. Our parents were there when we were conceived and likely there was a room full of people there when we were born—taking care of us. If we’re lucky, when we die, someone will be there as we transition—taking care of us.
We need each other and we have to start admitting that. We don’t want people, we need them. Every decision and act we make changes our universe, which means you and me and billions of other beings. We are responsible for each other and we can’t do THIS alone.
I’m glad I have people, because god knows, I need them.